The Sadness

For the past few weeks I’ve had a sadness over me, hanging like a big raincloud. It seems to follow me around and is always there even when I’m not thinking about it. The sadness is the thought of going back to work.

This time next week I’ll be spending my last evening of my maternity leave. I can’t believe that the past 6½ months have flown by so fast.

I know how lucky I am that I’ve got to spend every day of her life with her so far as there are many mummies who have to go back much sooner than I’ve had to. But, if money were no object, I would’ve really loved to spend 12 months off with her. I’m also very lucky that I’m able to go back to work part time.

Sophia is such a social, happy little girl that she’d blossom anywhere she went. And part of me is looking forward to seeing my work friends and doing something by myself.

But as I bathed her tonight and cut her tiny, little nails I realised how she’s still so small and so needy. We’re her whole world and all she knows. When I set off to work next week it’ll be with a heavy heart and a pang of guilt for leaving a part of me behind.

I think it’s made all the worse that I work so far away and that I’ll be spending my time at a job that I don’t really enjoy. It seems ironic that I’ll be leaving my child to go and look after and teach other people’s children. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE working with children – I think it’s all I’m built to do. But, I hate all the politics that come with working in a school. In the four years I’ve been working in school I’ve become quite disillusioned with the schooling system and whether it actually has children’s best interests at heart. Maybe it’ll be time for a career change soon, I don’t know.

But as I’m driving to work next Tuesday, probably with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I’ll have to just suck it up and get through the day. Because, ultimately it comes down to money. I want Sophia to have this lovely house and all of the things she needs. And the only way that’ll happen is by having working parents. And when everything is said and done I’d do absolutely anything for that beautiful, precious little girl.